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It has been almost a year since I last posted. So much has happened in my world since then.

I spent much time and energy the last few years sorting out who I am, and who I am not. I know I was beginning to share that walk with you all.

In this last year I have realized that this journey of healing is never really done. It is more like hitting levels.

Step one: Pinpoint old wounds that need to be healed

Step Two: Do the work to heal and reprogram

Step Three: Integrate the lessons

Step Four: Level up

I have also found each level has harder lessons, but promises more growth, and bigger rewards.

It's been a hurricane of a ride.

With many many *Tower moments.

The biggest tower moment of my life came in September 2019, when I lost my husband and partner of 23 years to suicide.

:deep breaths:

Prior to his loss, I was already on a path to question everything. I was already seeking to listen to spirit and be guided and trust that I have beautiful things to offer in this world. And I felt like I was finally finding my flow.

I was beginning to see the more I embraced myself as worthy, the more I respected myself enough to choose wisely (what to allow and not allow, or spend time on or not spend time on), things began to shift.

I was finding my tribe.

Synchronicity kept coming, guiding me to what needed to change.

Creativity was flowing like a river.

By last August, I felt like I was finally on track to what I was supposed to be doing with my life.

I was in the flow.

Things were shifting.

And then September happened.

No matter where we are in life, on our journey, we are not safe from Tower moments. Life happens, and life can be messy and gritty and down right suck sometimes.

Life can take a turn on a dime and raze everything to the ground.

It can stop you in your tracks and make you re-evaluate everything you ever believed.

And we are left picking up the pieces and looking at each one, deciding whether to keep it or toss it.

Reviewing debris one by one, and wondering what it belonged to and why it was torn apart.

Scouring for the pieces on which to rebuild.

I still don't really know what to write about my loss just yet.

There are a million angles I want to write from. There are so many lessons I have learned in such a short time.

(Level Up)

The topics are as varied as my emotions while I ride on this roller coaster of grief.

Someday I will share them here. I guess I will let spirit guide me to share different aspects as they are needed. But for now, that is all I will say.

For now, I only share so you know that I am re-birthing this blog, along with my own rebirth.

My phoenix rising.

As spirit shows me how to heal, how to march on through the embers of the smoldering Tower, I want to share it with you.

Because I believe everything can become meaningful.

Even with all I have walked through, and maybe because of it, I still believe that.

I believe that we need honor all parts of our lives and ourselves, even the most difficult, the most raw, the most ugly ones.

When we can honor these things, when we can be vulnerable about ourselves and our stories in their entirety, healing can happen.

It allows us to connect with others.

And maybe, it can guide them to heal too, and we all feel less alone.

So I hope you will join me as I continue this journey.

I will be sharing all sorts of messages on here. I feel guided almost daily to write, and spirit is always sending me topics and wisdom to share.

The messages are for me. But they are also for many of you.

Lets take this trip together, a journey to our most beautiful and powerful selves.

The self we hid away.

The self we have been afraid to acknowledge for fear they would be rejected.

The self begging to take the reigns.

Lets do this

Spirit message for today:

Today spirit wants us to take some time to reflect. Get outside in the sun, go for a walk, open a window and listen to the wind................quiet yourself and your surroundings and just spend time with you.

Push the thoughts that come up in your mind aside. Again and again if needed.

And just exist with yourself.

And once you begin to relax, spirit says to go to a happy time in your life.

Remember the joy you felt.

That joy is yours forever. That joy can be yours again. Be that younger you who laughed, and took time to play, and time to question everything like a world explorer. Make time to be silly.

Spend a little time with your beautiful self. And remember, you are a gift to this world, as much as this world is a gift to you.

* Tower moments refer to the Tower card in tarot. It is a tearing down of something old, to make room for something new. It almost always proceeds a level up. And Tower moments can be something like finally letting go of a pattern that was not in alignment with you, or something as large as losing a home, job or loved one. But it is always the fire, before you rise from the ashes.

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